My friend Bobby – child abuse victim still trying to heal 57 years later

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This article deals with mature, sensitive content; read at your own discretion.]

THE WOODLANDS, TX – Every now and then I reflect back to a disheartening story that started in 1969 and is still a work in progress. It involves a person I grew up with since we were five years old. We’ve stayed in touch over the years, as we were about as close as a pair of five-year-olds could be.

We’ll call him “Bobby.” Bobby was a social kid that people liked. In third grade, he couldn’t be described as gifted academically, as he had Attention Deficit Disorder, which made things pretty challenging for Bobby. Albeit, if he did his work and liked the teacher – which he did – he could pull off a good report card. This was mostly the case because his father was very strict and wouldn’t hesitate to pull out the yardstick and proceed to put several dents in Bobby’s hind quarters for the most minor of offenses.

Bobby’s bedtime at eight years old was 6:30. I always thought that was excessively early, even for a third-grader. The only time he stayed up until 7:00 was when his father let him watch the first inning or two of a Yankees game.

Sports was a good outlet for Bobby. He wasn’t gifted but, if he tried, he could stand out a bit. In gym class, he was able to climb the rope to the ceiling and he could run well. This got the attention of several girls. One of them would eventually be seen with Bobby just about everywhere to include recess. As it turned out, she was a very important person in Bobby’s life – a person he would need to help him weather the storm that was about to hit him head on.

Leading up to the winter break, Bobby started to struggle in school and act withdrawn. If you knew him, you knew he wasn’t being himself.

Bobby had been showing up late to school, regularly. It wasn’t talked about at all. People knew things at home were rigid and assumed it was getting to him.

The way the classroom was set up, the teacher had six rows of six desks, and a group area for 12 students when it was their turn to do small group reading. One day, he arrived at school and his group was in the reading area reading silently. Bobby looked like he’d always been looking for the past couple of weeks; disheveled with bloodshot eyes and not in the moment. The teacher instructed Bobby to open his Wide Horizons book and start reading from a certain page. He opened his book and started reading…out loud. The group was reading to themselves so it was a very awkward moment. Bobby had become disconnected. One kid started laughing, but the teacher glared at him and he stopped.

Something was troubling Bobby, but it was like there was an unwritten law to not say anything to him… to just be supportive and not inquire.

The next day he showed up during reading time again. He sat down and put his head in his hands and just stared straight down. The teacher didn’t do anything. She was a first-year teacher, but it seemed like she was the best teacher in the school already. She would pull Bobby aside on occasion and tell him she was always there for him. She wasn’t pushy, just supportive. She was very sincere and we kids knew she cared. That wasn’t rare for a teacher back then. But, not every teacher back then was like this.

Years later, I found out what the problem was in Bobby’s life and why he looked so ruined at school that year. I was devastated.

Since second grade, Bobby listened to WSPR Sports Radio after bedtime. He enjoyed “Sports Talk with Kevin Kelly.” He also listened to Boston Bruins hockey games on the same station. He’d keep the sound low enough so no one could possibly hear it coming from his room.

One night, he was caught off-guard by his father and he was busted. You can imagine how mad his dad was. His dad told Bobby he’d think about his punishment and would inform him what it is the next night.

It was the longest 24 hours of Bobby’s life.

The next night, his dad came into Bobby’s bedroom, laid down next to him and whispered in his ear, “You’re ok, Bobby. I’m not going to punish you.”

Bobby was about as confused as an eight-year-old could be. He wondered why he wasn’t being punished, and now his dad is laying in bed with him, being nice, which was not a common occurrence.

It wasn’t until much later that Bobby related to me what happened next. According to him, his father then used his hands to physically and emotionally assault the young boy all over his body, all the while talking to him telling him to not tell anyone or he’d have to punish him. This went on a few nights a week. Bobby managed to not tell anyone because it wasn’t worth the beating he’d get from a solid yardstick.

Bobby made it through the school year without telling anyone. His appearance remained rough, but for the most part things were getting back to normal at school. This was partly due to Bobby’s mom arranging for him to be on Ritalin (ADD medication). He had a very good fourth quarter in school. That fourth quarter made everyone forget how Bobby had acted the first three quarters. Little did they know that Bobby was crying and falling apart inside.

As for his father, his mother divorced him later that year. She could no longer stand to watch him be mean to their children. But it was too late. Bobby’s innocence was taken from him and – although he didn’t understand the magnitude of the whole situation – he was protecting his father.

Little did Bobby know he would eventually have irreparable issues, not the least of which would be how much difficulty he’d have with intimate relationships as he got older.

Sadly, there are stories like Bobby’s all over the United States. There are thousands of grown men walking around today who’ve been molested and assaulted by their fathers. You’d never know it because most of the victims never tell their stories. Why? It’s a combination of things, such as the child protecting their father forever. They may also just not want people to know because they are embarrassed and ashamed.

Bobby is in his mid-60s now. Only a few people know what he went through. But, he never tried to get his father in trouble.

Bobby has a family and has been married for more than 30 years. He has fought to hide his pain from his family so they can live a normal life, the type of life Bobby wishes he’d experienced, starting at an early age.

He credits his wife and children for keeping him stable. Their endless love for him has enabled him to keep from falling completely apart. It wasn’t until only recently that he told his wife what happened to him. His children will never know. He doesn’t see the benefit in telling them.

His wife is glad she was told, but understands why it took Bobby so long. She said that his suffering from child abuse and molestation explains how his anger issues originated.

You have to ask yourself if Bobby will be all right. He’s made it this far, so it looks good, but he still struggles with life every day. It’s something he feels he’ll never get used to. There are days when he’ll be off by himself and he’ll start sobbing uncontrollably. While watching TV or reading a book, he’ll suddenly become emotional over the content if it remotely reminds him of his childhood.

As for his wife and children, he desperately tries to show them as much love as humanly possible. Bobby still has outbursts, but they are few and far between now. His beautiful wife is showing him there is reason for hope. Hope and his family are his motivation to keep striving to be the best person he can be, the best husband he can be and the best father he can be. It all hinges on whether Bobby continues to build a better opinion of himself.

It is all being made possible because he shared with his wife the most horrid details of his childhood and – by extension – his life. As he looks back, he knows he should’ve told his mother right around when it happened.

The most important thing for a child abuse victim to do is to tell someone. The healing can begin much sooner once it starts being talked about. Unfortunately, some kids just can’t get themselves to come forward.

It has now been 57 years since Bobby was molested by his father. He is living proof that such abuse is far-reaching and a self-esteem killer. It just doesn’t go away.

Bobby shared that he cannot stress enough how it is of paramount importance to be nice to everyone you come in contact with. You never know how much they are struggling to hold themselves together inside.

If you or someone you know is a victim of child sexual abuse, please reach out to the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-422-4453. You can also contact a health professional in your area.