By: Doug Sarant
Today you'll be getting to know 2004 TWHS graduate and former lacrosse goaltender, tennis and football player, Michael Avery. He came out after college and there isn't a former player I respect more and have more admiration for than Michael. Why? Because he was an excellent goaltender? He was but that's not why.
Well, why then? You're about to find out in this Q&A exclusive. Previous to asking Michael to collaborate with me on this article, I went out and asked about 20 people how they think a story about a gay man and his path would be received. 100% of those people said they thought it was something people need to read.
I couldn't agree more. The main reason I initiated this is because there are more than likely many kids walking the halls of our schools struggling with their sexuality and I knew Michael could help them. The bigger problem is they all think they're in it alone because it's not something you just bring up in casual conversation at school. How would they know others are suffering, too? THEY WOULDN'T! So, if this reaches them and helps them, it was worth doing.
Before I go any further, This is not me pontificating from on high because I think I'm an expert on all thing's sexuality. Not even close! I'd like to think I am openminded and accepting of everyone. Unfortunately, there's some chinks in my armor. It's a shame, too because I have so many gay friends I’ve lost track of how many I have. It's not a manageable number...and yet, there are times when I catch myself referring to someone as a little limp in the wrist. I am then ashamed of myself because not only is it stupid, it just doesn't make any sense because some of the toughest people I know are gay. I know my gay friends wouldn't appreciate it. I just want people to know I'm trying to be a better person every day, but I do realize I am part of the problem.
I was friends with Mike before I knew he was gay and I'll be friends with him forever. He's the mentally AND physically toughest guy I know. A friend is a friend to the very end. As people, with our friends we are compassionate and share deep commitment to one another. If you disagree with one aspect of a friend's life, do you sever the connection? Not hardly. When you vote for a president, do you 100% agree with everything they stand for? Nope.
Read this with an open mind and you'll thoroughly enjoy Michael. You may not agree with everything he says, but by the time you're finished, you'll agree he's a great human being.
Without any further ado, please meet Michael Avery...
In relation to how we know each other, talk about when and why you started playing lacrosse...
Before ever picking up a stick in lacrosse, I lived and breathed football. I played fullback and defensive tackle from third grade all the way to senior year of high school. My jersey number was 25 because of Dorsey “The Horse” Levens – the Green Bay Packers running back that played with Brett Favre in the 90s. Levens wasn’t the fastest or biggest player but played with fire to earn every yard. That’s how I played; a bowling ball that loved contact but had enough agility to make plays.
There is one wrinkle to my sports story though. I also grew up playing tennis. I played from an early age and idolized guys like Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi. On the court, picture a heavier set football player pounding the ball against skinny, wiry opponents in middle school. My addiction with crushing forehand winners couldn’t be matched, and yet, tennis is a game of fineness and mental attrition. My coach drilled impeccable footwork and body control into my game anticipating the ball and attacking the net. Playing in USTA tournaments felt more like chess because it’s one-on-one matches and every player has particular skills matched with flaws.
As much as I excelled at tennis, the sport is singular and, frankly, an all-out grind. In my freshman year of high school, I just finished football in the fall and joined the high school team. All the other players played on the team year-round and I was treated like an outsider. My love for the sport dissipated and I didn’t know what to do.
One of my best friends, Nick Gilligan, had a similar experience with baseball. That summer before our sophomore year, Gilligan approached me about going all in to play lacrosse. Like most people in Texas, I didn’t even know lacrosse existed, but I couldn’t wait to join a new team sport. So, I traded in my racquets for a lacrosse stick…one with a big pocket designated for goalie.
Goalie seems like a random choice. It’s not. I vividly remember watching the Mighty Ducks film franchise and being enamored with the prospect of making saves. None of the members in my family watched professional hockey but I consumed every Colorado Avalanche playoff game because of legendary goaltender, Patrick Roy. Roy took over games as the cornerstone of the defense and won multiple playoff MVPs. The concept that a defender could attain such glory spoke to my soul as a sportsman.
With my toughness from football matched with my footwork/anticipation from tennis, playing goalie turned out to be a natural fit. To this day, I’m bullish that tennis is the perfect auxiliary sport for building successful goalies.
Go into your career at The Woodlands High School and then St. Edward’s University. I know you were an excellent goaltender for us at The Woodlands High School and then you switched to midfield at St. Edward’s University and made all Lone Star Alliance...
I played three years for the Woodlands High School as a goalie. Two years of mostly junior varsity and a full varsity starter my senior year. At first, the community offered equipment to get me started and the coaches started to train me. Coach Doug Sarant taught me all the fundamentals between the pipes. Coach Dave Seale showed me how to run a defense and Coach Keith Tintle raised my level of saves in box lacrosse. Looking back, my progression in high school moved quickly because of all the talent around me. Notable players like Mat Ballay (Ohio State), Preston McCance (Bates College) and Nick Gilligan (Amherst College) all invested in my development and raised my game by endless amounts of shots before and after practice. And I took advantage of several goalie camps both in Texas and out of state. It truly takes a village.
True story: I broke my left thumb early into my senior season and played with cast the rest of the year.
I did receive some invitations from D3 colleges such as Colorado College and Rensselaer (RPI), after playing in T99 recruiting weekends but none of them made financial sense. St. Edward’s University offered me a significant academic scholarship and I remembered that one of the all-time great alumni from the Woodlands lacrosse program, Bob Earl, played there. Earl is considered a legend at St. Ed’s with all-time records in goals and MVP of the only two conference championships.
St. Ed’s is part of the Men’s Collegiate Lacrosse Association (MCLA). There, I played two years of goalie and earned second team all-conference both times totaling 170 saves with a 70% save percentage. In my junior season, I switched to midfield and my team was PISSED. But our squad graduated a lot of offense and I was chomping-at-the-bit to move beyond the pipes. After the switch, I became captain, took all faceoffs, and led the team in ground balls. This resulted in making my first all-conference team at midfield! I became the founding alumni coordinator my senior year and instituted the first alumni game for the program. I ended up facing off against Mr. Bob Earl himself. A full circle Woodlands moment...and yes, for the record, the college team won!
My post collegiate career included several men’s league teams, coaching goalies at St. Ed’s and St. Michael’s Catholic Academy in Austin, TX.
Looking back at my lacrosse career, it’s just a shame I didn’t start sooner but I wouldn’t trade any of these memories. Channeling my best James Earl Jones voice from the Sandlot - “[Lacrosse] was life. And I was good it.”
What did lacrosse do for you and what have you taken from it that benefits you in your life?
Lacrosse gave me a whole world. So many games I’ve watched and teams I’ve played on. Getting to know the vernacular of the game and what styles are the best. I can still play summer leagues, alumni games or coach new players. When I’m watching college and pro lacrosse, it feels like I’m there all over again. It’s a game that I will always gravitate towards and enjoy for a long time.
Lacrosse also introduced me to my closest friends. Yes, I do have friends from other sports but there is just a whole other level of loyalty and connection when it comes to this game. It’s that chemistry on the field that can’t be built in a seminar or a lab.
As a teacher, my loud goalie voice still gets the attention of any room. As a writer, the characters you come across in lacrosse are unique and hilarious. In life, I’m always anticipating with that fundamental first step, knowing shots are coming my way.
You are still tight with your high school circle of friends. Your crowd was athletic, intellectual and cultured and they all supported you 100% when you came out and were as happy as they could be for you. Nick Gilligan talked to us about it...
"I like to think he knew we wouldn't judge him and that he felt comfortable telling us when he was ready. Speaking for myself and our friends would agree, I couldn't have cared less and it didn't change a damn thing about our friendship. If anything, it made him a better wing man when we went out (laughs).
Dang. We were cultured?! That’s quite the compliment for our lacrosse crew. Shout out to Dennis Chang, Michael Magee, Bryan Howe and yes, to simply the best, Nick Gilligan. Having their support is paramount. Not because it’s PC or manufactured. Quite the contrary. It’s feeling seen and knowing they had my back the entire time. I just wish I had the confidence to come out to them sooner.
There is a something hard to describe about this circle of friends. Many friends have come and gone but this group stood the test of time. I attribute that to making our lacrosse team more than a sport at the Woodlands. It became a culture in planting the seeds for future classes to build off and that unique experience has kept us friends to this day.
Back to lacrosse...You were one tough player in high school as evidenced by your running right through people when you were clearing the ball. I recall Coach Dave Seale yelling at you..."AVERY...What are you doing? Lead the...uhh...umm nice clear Mike!" You were like, why run the play when you can just do it all yourself? Then when you moved to midfield at St. Edward’s University, you were very physical contesting every ground ball. The majority of people...and I don't mean to stereotype it's just what I've heard through the years...that if you are gay you aren't going to be physically tough.
Talk about that stereotype and gay stereotypes in general...
First, to the clearing point. I must get on my soapbox here. Goalie is still so painfully one dimensional in lacrosse. Coaches need to get creative and understand they have an advantage when their goaltender is athletic and can anticipate. I’m talking about intercepting skip passes, running out shots and commanding the clear. It’s always a chess game on the field and you can exploit a ride and get fast goals if you trust the goalie out of the crease! #Freethegoalie I’d recommend you watch PLL Archers’ goalie, Adam Ghitelman. He constantly makes proactive moves to get turnovers, pushes the ball and even assists on goals.
Appropriate to our conversation, I also remember watching a clip of Dartmouth’s goalie, Andrew Goldstein, go coast-to-coast against Syracuse to score a goal in the NCAA tournament in 2003. I was not alone! Goldstein later came out as gay to his teammates and, according to Out Sports and ESPN, became the first openly gay athlete to be drafted by a professional sports league.
Alright, where were we? Ah, yes. STEREOTYPES. I’ll be honest. I think this conversation is a bit tired. One of the characteristics of this new generation, Gen Z, is their ability to go beyond the boxes of older generations. That human beings are not solely defined by their background or by certain cultural norms. The world is full of color. Expression. Some of the toughest people I’ve met are those high voiced, gender neutral, dress wearing men that have the courage to be themselves. But perhaps I’m being unfair to the question.
Paul Rabil, PLL founder and one of the best ever to play lacrosse, wrote an article for the Huffington Post in 2017 tackling the issues of discrimination towards LGTBQ in sports after experiencing a barrage of hateful comments from posting a picture on Instagram supporting gay pride. Rabil moves the conversation away from what is considered “gay” and focuses on the problem of toxic masculinity, “I’ve learned toughness and trash talk are not mutually inclusive. You can be an assertive leader, work hard, stand up for your teammates, and do so with integrity, courage, and empathy.” This isn’t to devalue or shame masculinity on its own. I enjoy being masculine. But let’s not pretend toughness is only linked to alpha males that act a certain way.
One of my favorite shows, Louie, has a sobering scene that takes this even further. At a poker table full of comics, Louie has one friend, Rick Crom, sitting there that’s gay and all the other men are predictably making jabs at his sexuality. Louie asks Crom if he, as a comic, can use the word, faggot, on stage. Crom retorts with a profound silique about the history of the word and the baggage associated with it:
Well, the word faggot really means a bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire. Now, in the Middle Ages, when they used to burn people they thought were witches, they used to burn homosexuals, too...and they used to burn the witches at a stake, but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned on. So, they used to just throw them in with the kindling, with the other faggots. So that's how you get flaming faggot.
You might want to know that every gay man in America has probably had that word shouted at them when they're being beaten up, sometimes many times, sometimes by a lot of people all at once. So, when you say it, it kind of brings that all back up. But, you know, by all means use it, get your laughs. But, you know, now you know what it means.” (Season 1, Episode titled Poker Divorce)
Words matter. Actions matter. Don’t be a silent bystander and let homophobia ruin your team.
Did you know you were gay in high school? Was there a light that suddenly went off when you said to yourself..."Well now, I'm gay. Who'd a thunk it?" Describe for us that process...
I had no idea what it meant to be gay in high school. I simply had no role models, sports icons, friends, or mentors to help me begin to understand. But I did know that I was different. My first kiss was in ninth grade and I didn’t like it. I thought to myself, “Kissing is so gross.” Dating felt like a chore and I was TERRIBLE at it. It’s weird because you pick up all the right moves from your straight community. I knew how to hold hands, dance and talk to girls but it all felt forced. Forced straight dancing is HARD. For a long time, I thought this meant a higher calling to the priesthood. My parents did have friends that didn’t find love until much later in life. I figured I might be one of those late bloomers. So, I guess you could say it was less “I LIKE DUDES” or more like “WHY DO GUYS LIKE GIRLS?”
It wasn’t until college when I experienced all the rom-com moments with a man. Suddenly, kissing made total sense. People, read that sentence out loud. Kissing didn’t make sense until I was 20. 20! Anyways, I finally understood all those saccharine sweet love pop songs. I had new feelings. But I still didn’t know anything about being gay and what that meant in broad strokes.
In the moment, I felt scared and ashamed. I grew up being told gay men were sinful, unnatural, and not even considered real men. They were effeminate and psychologically disturbed. You couldn’t get married and being a father wasn’t even a conversation. The aids pandemic also came to mind. Was I doomed to a life of suffering and death? I didn’t know how to handle any of it and I didn’t want to let down my family.
This is the hard part for so many gay people. It’s one thing to know yourself but it’s another to live your true self in a world that might not accept it. It took a long time to get over the guilt and shame tapes constantly playing in my head.
So, I started living two lives. One involved still being the lacrosse captain and religion scholar at St. Edward’s University. The other was spending time with my gay friends, going to music shows, watching eccentric films, and hanging out at gay bars. It’s not like I lied all the time but I definitely ghosted in and out of both worlds. I just needed time to age into my true self as a gay man. But then came the long process of understanding that these two worlds couldn’t mutually exist forever.
If my memory serves me correctly, you came out just after college. Describe for us just how difficult that was for you. Then talk about how much of a relief it was after you did?
I didn’t fully come out till I was 25. I ran the first rainbow trial balloon out of my closet to my twin brother, Jon. It happened at a bar after a few drinks to ease the tension. Ok fine, maybe more than a few. Jon, like me, didn’t really know what to say but he supported me through and through. Remember, it was still hazy for advocates in 2008. This moment between us became a secret he kept for over 2 years.
Then came the moment. Telling my parents. Like many queer people, I choose the Thanksgiving holiday (No, it wasn’t at the dinner table). The thought process involves knowing you will be home but it’s only for a few days. That way if they reject you, you can bolt and you don’t ruin Christmas. The Netflix show, Master of None, won an Emmy in writing for an episode with the exact premise of involving a main character going home during Thanksgiving to come out to their family. It’s a thing. ...
I still remember that gut wrenching pain before coming out. So many of my gay friends were left out in the cold after telling their family. To help build up confidence and stay the course, I played two songs I coined my coming out songs: Sufjan Stevens’ Get Real Get Right and Mumford & Sons’ Timshel. Both songs formed a mantra in having courage to know myself and be at peace with the consequence of coming out. In the end, I trusted my parents’ love for me outweighed any belief they might hold.
My parents did have mixed reactions at first, but their love didn’t waver. They have always supported me and I can’t say enough how lucky I am to have their love. We are all so close to this day.
Was I relieved to come out? I guess on some level. But my sexuality was still somewhat taboo in the family even after I showed my rainbow colors. Typical questions of who I was dating or my future plans as a gay man didn’t happen until much later. But true understanding and acceptance takes time. Especially if it’s genuine. Looking back, I didn’t have that wisdom and foresight to know that...to let the process take what it takes.
The true triumph of my coming out story involved my older brother, Kyle. Kyle was born with hydrocephalus, a condition where the brain cannot properly regulate fluid and causes all sorts of complications. Kyle has endured so many hardships and struggles since birth, including 10 surgeries dealing with his brain and spinal cord. This is why he is the hero of our family and a true miracle. When I came out to Kyle, I thought he would be like everyone else. A bit confused. Perhaps surprised. Mostly quiet. Kyle responded quickly, “God loves all people. We love you, bro.” Even as I write this now, tears start to form. Just that simple gesture knowing he spoke from his own experience of struggle and difference without hesitation…that crushed me. What a gift.
Now my family is coming together to celebrate my wedding in 2022. I think they even like my fiancé, Alvaro, more than me. Go figure.
I'm sure there are several kids in high schools and colleges all over who are out there struggling with their sexuality. What can you tell them to make them feel better and perhaps more comfortable with what they are dealing with? There are young people in our readership that will benefit from your experiences.
Let’s get the bad advice out of the way first. You will hear so many “dude bros” say being gay isn’t a big deal and coming out is your own business. That guy is WRONG. Our culture is still built on the Disney princess being saved by prince charming. Boys asking girls to the school dance. Do we have some modern teenage gay characters in that new Netflix movie? Sure. But the default is still overwhelmingly straight...and “dude bro” doesn’t get the gravitas of that reality.
You will also hear others demanding you should like or know all things gay culture. That these things should define you. This person is WRONG. Look. All those Stonewall riots; pride parades and legal battles were done for the freedom to be openly gay. But that doesn’t mean you are coerced into a situation or identity. Be the person you want to be and find your own path within the gay community whenever that makes sense. it’s perfectly fine to sit with it and make it your own. My big thing was finding my sports tribe within the gay culture and, trust me, they play fantasy football and go overboard at the office softball game like everybody else.
One turning point for my own confidence in being gay happened when I read the book, Alan Turing: The Enigma, freshman year of college. Turing, a renowned mathematician, is known for being the father of computers and one of the few responsible for all the technology we have today and his ability to crack Nazi codes during World War II arguably changed history forever...And yes, you guessed it, he was gay. Turing helped me understand that being LGTBQ isn’t a limitation or some weird alternative state of being. So many gay people like Turing have done extraordinary things and it’s their gayness that shines brightly in everything they do. It’s not just “one part.” It’s their true authentic self that flourishes.
Switching gears, I do want to offer a theological point. Christianity is the largest populated religion we have as Americans and many sects, both Catholic and protestant, aren’t the most accepting of gay people. Rather than drift into those controversial, muddy waters we all know, I’d like to offer my own spiritual awakening. For a long time, I studied and practiced my Catholic faith to understand not just God but my own path as a queer man. On an eight-day silent Jesuit retreat in the summer before my senior year of college, I wanted God to tell me that being gay is wrong. That way I could just leave it there and be free from having to deal with it. But God had another response, “You formed my innermost being. You knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am wonderfully made (Psalm 139).” Wonderfully made…I was speechless. I left that retreat knowing that being made in the image and likeness of God, imago dei, isn’t conditional or easily fragmented. My gayness came from the creator of all things and it’s wonderful.
Now that we settled God…how about we end on something a little more palpable. My mother struggled at first when I came out because she didn’t want to give up my wedding and me having children. I never thought gay marriage would ever be possible in Texas. But here we are! All These life milestones are now possible and, in fact, are quite normal. I don’t take that for granted and neither should you. Many generations have done the work to get us here and you should feel empowered by that. You are not alone. You are loved. You are always welcome.
Are we as a society becoming any closer to accepting LGBTQ as compared to when you were in high school almost twenty years ago or are we going in the wrong direction?
In the United States, there has never been a better time to be gay. We have more representation in the media, entertainment, sports and, more importantly, the law. One could make the argument that we have already accepted the LGBTQ community through the supreme court decision with gay marriage in 2015. In context with many other parts of the world, you could make the case that the US is a gay Shangri-la.
And yet, gay people still don’t have full protections when it comes to employment, healthcare, and adoption. Several religious communities continue to condemn same-sex attraction out of ecclesial doctrine or biblical hermeneutics. The top four pro sports still don’t have a lot out of gay players as role models and no one close to a superstar (sorry, Carl Nassib).
I think about this quote everyday:
“Queer people don’t grow up as ourselves. We grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpack which part of ourselves are truly us and which parts we’ve created to protect us.” Writer and Campaigner, Alexander Leon
In an ideal future world, gay high school students will take their partner to prom and it won’t be front page news. Coming out won’t be such a big deal because we will have the natural mechanism for gay people to be their authentic self-early on...And gay rights won’t be a topic during a presidential debate every four years.
But, just like playing goalie, it’s one’s ability to endure shots and make saves that translates to true progress.
Well put, my friend.
I saved Michael's impressive credentials for last... EDUCATION: St Edwards Religious Studies undergrad and Boston College Theological Studies MA.
Employment: For the last four years Michael was working as a TV/Film Screenwriter and Producer. He is a recent enrollee at the UC Berkley Student Affairs and Higher Administration Program in hopes of becoming a Dean and on up the ladder of success.
